I hear two words all the time: motivation And accountability.
From customers, readers and people who want to get healthier but can’t seem to do it.
Although they sound simple, both are actually…complicated.
When someone says, “I just need more responsibility,” the actual meaning can vary greatly.
- Sometimes it’s about systems and structure.
- Sometimes it’s about clarity about their goals and how to achieve them.
- And sometimes it’s about how we personally respond to expectations – both from ourselves and from others.
Why no single “system” suits everyone
If you have ever read books like Atomic Habits by James Clear, The power of habit by Charles Duhigg, or Switch by Chip and Dan Heath, you know that there are many frameworks for understanding behavior.
After 15 years of coaching, here’s what I’ve learned:
None of these systems are foolproof. None of these fully capture how complex people really are.
But that’s not the point. Everyone is one lens. A new perspective that helps us see our habits and problems differently.
And when you get stuck, sometimes that’s exactly what you need: a fresh perspective that allows you to approach things in a new way.
Enter the four tendencies
A few years ago our entire coaching team was reading The four tendencies by Gretchen Rubin, and it provided some really important insights that we incorporated into our coaching program and how we’ve thought about helping people ever since.
The basic concept is this: people react differently to internal and external expectations. When you understand which expectations allow you to succeed and which ones you struggle with, you can work with Your natural inclinations rather than fighting against them.
The most common trend we see is The Obliger.
Mandatory bonds are the glue of a team or family. They meet outer Meet but resist expectations (deadlines, commitments, helping others). inner (Self-care, personal goals, boundaries).
Does this sound familiar?
If you’ve ever said:
“I know what I should do…but I can’t seem to do it Me“,”
…you could belong to this group.
One of our customers described it perfectly:
“I feel like every bit of energy is being used up just getting through my workday, meeting my family’s needs, helping with the needs of others… there is a lack of self-care and self-prioritization in my life right now.
I know that I bring the situation on myself. I am wired to stand up for things, to be involved, to be needed, valued and recognized. But it has its price. The demands of other people or things leave me little choice.”
That’s the Obliger experience in a nutshell.
And let me be clear: this is not about weakness or a lack of willpower.
In fact, Obligers get SO MUCH done.
The problem is that they often sacrifice their own goals to help others, which can lead to health problems in the long run.
How we help debtors succeed
At Nerd Fitness Coaching, we support obligers with three important support services: external accountability, dialing mode adjustments, And Pursuit wins as they accumulate to reinforce and reward their progress.
Here’s how you can implement these into your own practice:
- A trainer or training partner will contact you and celebrate victories with you
- A checklist or Tracking system This makes your progress visible
- Building one Dial mode – that is, a plan for different types of days so you can adapt accordingly and avoid burnout
- Reframe goals as something that benefits others – e.g. B. “I exercise so I have more energy for my children.”
As you will notice, several of these are Externalizing your responsibilities.
Here’s another fun tactic: Write a letter from your future self to your current self thanking you for showing up. This is exactly what clicked for my customer Gina. When things were hectic, writing this letter made her feel responsible to her future self (in a positive sense!). This simple change helped her stay consistent during a chaotic month.
The Hidden Danger: Burnout and the “Pause Button”
Debtors often take on too much.
You juggle a million competing expectations – deadlines, family, colleagues, community.
And when things get too difficult, they usually resort to bullshit pause Button on SOME of them.
“I just can’t process it all right now. I’ll come back to it later.”
Totally understandable. And in fact, it is an act of self-preservation. You CANNOT continue driving at 100 miles per hour.
We often see people in this scenario trying to block out all these outside expectations in the hope that they will finally have time to focus on themselves later.
It sounds logical, but it usually backfires.
Because Obligers actually thrive with some form of external accountability.
So the key is not to eliminate expectations. It’s about curate them.
Here are a few counterintuitive questions I like to ask to do just that:
What are the benefits of NOT moving towards goal X now?
And what are the consequences of moving further towards it?
By reversing the old “pro/con” list, we can gain a lot of clarity about what feels good for you!
Great picture to take with you
Motivation and responsibility are not a one-size-fits-all solution.
Understanding your “tendency” gives you a new perspective – and using tools specifically tailored to your needs increases your chances of success in the long run.
If you want to see where you end up, you can take Gretchen’s free quiz here -> https://gretchenrubin.com/quiz/the-four-tendencies-quiz/
Let me know what your bias is! (I’m a questioner! 🙋♂️)
-Frosted
PS Fun Fact: ~60% of people At Nerd Fitness Coaching, we call ourselves Obligers. Everyone’s needs are different, which is why we design coaching accordingly Youno generic motivational hacks. If this sounds like the type of structure you’ve been missing, I’d like to talk to you. Simply click on “Reply to this email”. ❤️
