Last week I flew to Massachusetts to visit my 94-year-old grandmother in the hospital.
Let me tell you about this amazing woman.
Barbara, Aunt B, or Grandma to us grandchildren, was born in 1930 to first-generation Newfoundland parents.
(No wonder I love the music of Alan Doyle (And Big big sea), it’s in my DNA!)
Gramma was a preschool teacher for 22 years and was an active member of her community her entire life. She was a true quilter and helped launch several quilting initiatives over the years. She volunteered with the Council on Aging. She also often drove for Meals on Wheels and “delivered food to the old people” (as she called it), which she did well into her 80s!
On previous visits to Massachusetts, I would stop by Gramma for an afternoon, checking my phone regularly and often being distracted by unimportant work thoughts occupying my brain. I think because I knew her my whole life, I just had this thought: “Grandma has always been here and Grandma will always be here.”
Luckily, I came across an old Japanese concept that helped me recognize and correct this pattern. This meant that all of my recent visits to Grandma were significantly different.
Ichi-go Ichi-e A unique opportunity
There is a concept called “Ichi-go ichi-e” that dates back to Japanese tea ceremonies in the 17th century:
This means: “One time, one meeting.”
It is a reminder for us to appreciate and embrace every unrepeatable moment in time. No matter how many times we do something or see someone, it is this only Time for it to really happen This way, In this moment.
This concept can remind us to be more present.
- Instead of looking at our phone, we can focus on the person or task in front of us.
- Instead of worrying about tomorrow or canceling, we can be here now.
- Instead of just doing everything, we can be a little more conscious about our behavior.
I’ve been thinking a lot about Japanese Zen philosophy over the last few years (see my essay on Wabi-Sabi), and this concept of Ichi-go Ichi-e also stuck with me.
Which brings me to my trips to Gramma this summer.
I stopped worrying about the future or thinking about the past, put the phone down and just sat with her.
I treated every visit as if that was it only About time I would have that interaction.
I asked her questions about her childhood. I learned that she spent several summers living in a tent without running water or electricity while her father built their house with his own hands. And how much she I loved it.
She told me about her teenage years, including the time she sneaked out of the house, got caught, and had to sit at the foot of her parents’ bed until the sun came up.
I learned more about my grandfather. She even shared photos from her wedding that I had never seen before:
She also found a few photos of me and her from back then!
This one was my favorite:
I returned to Nashville last month, unsure when (or if) I would see her again.
It still felt different. I had developed a deeper connection with Gramma in a few visits than I had probably in the last 10 years combined.
That brings me to the last week in the hospital.
Gramma’s community
Last week my brother and I drove up every day to visit Grandma in the hospital.
And every day a revolving door of guests showed up to check on her:
Her nieces and nephews. My uncle and father. My sister and mother (who just had surgery!). Your grandchildren. Her best friend’s son. Your friend Anne. Friends of the Council on Aging. Dear quilters. people from their church.
At some point there were ten of us visiting at the same time and it became an absolute party.
I was in awe of this woman and how many lives she influenced.
If there is one clear sign of a life well lived, it is being surrounded by people who love you. Grandma was selfless most of her life, and I was amazed and inspired by how many people dropped everything to spend time with her, share stories, and keep her company.
Despite the circumstances, she still has a great sense of humor:
When she first opened her eyes and saw me, she smiled and said, “I remembered another story!” Then she told me about the time she “borrowed” a car even though she didn’t yet have a driver’s license to drive through the streets of Boston and track down her boyfriend.
While on the phone with her 94-year-old brother-in-law, she asked, “How are you, you old geezer?”
When the doctor asked, “Are you feeling better today?” She replied, “Better than WHAT!”
Spending time with Grandma and all the people from different parts of her life felt like the best use of my time. I am in love with the community she has around her and the love that so many people have for her never fails to bring me to tears.
This point was further illustrated by my grandma’s hospital “neighbor”…
Live consciously
The hospital where my grandma lives is right next to Walden Pond, the pond that Henry David Thoreau made famous in his book Walden.
One day after visiting Gramma, I took a quiet walk around the grounds, watching the light of the setting sun dance through the trees.
(The Japanese also have a word for this, it’s called “komorebi”.)
Then I read the sign with Thoreau’s most famous reflection:
“I went into the forest because I wanted to live consciously, to see only the essential facts of life and see if I could not learn what it had to teach and not find, when I died, that I had not lived.”
Thoreau retreated into solitude to discover what was most important to him.
Gramma went the other way and prioritized what matters most to her: family, friends and community.
Two different scenarios, same end result:
Consciously choose a life.
I don’t plan on moving to the woods and living simply, but I think I’ve done my best to live more consciously over the last few years.
Specifically, reprioritizing what matters most to me: friends, family, and community.
All we have to decide…
A few years ago, Grandma gave my brother, sister and me three of her favorite handmade blankets.
“I wanted to give it to you grandchildren after I died, but I want to give it to you now so we can enjoy this moment together.”
She took the time to explain the meaning of each quilt and why they were chosen for each of us. I am so grateful that she did this instead of waiting to hear about these beautiful quilts after her death.
When I visited Gramma this summer, I discovered that she had printed my essay about my grandfather, her husband, who had passed away. I hoped I would make Grampy proud, but I realized I would never be able to tell him how much I had learned from him before he died.
That’s why I’m writing this essay now, to make sure she knows how much she taught me. I am so proud of my grandma and grateful for the opportunity to learn from her for 40 years (and counting!).
(I got a text from my dad yesterday telling me he read this draft to her in the hospital and she loved it. Mission accomplished!)
I definitely hope Grandma feels better and can return home. Finally she said to her friend Laurie, “I’m not done yet!”
But I also know that it is not up to us to decide.
As Gandalf tells Frodo The Fellowship of the Ring:
“We just have to decide what to do with the time we’re given.”
I hope my grandma and my Thoreau can inspire you to live a more conscious life:
- When you’re ready to put the phone down and being present with the people in front of you, life can feel so much richer.
- When you’re ready to prioritize what’s really important Instead of things trying to steal your attention, you will never go wrong with the choices you make.
- When you find a way to focus on the important people in your lifethey will still be there at 94.
And finally, remember: no matter what you do today, this is the only time The moment will happen.
Act accordingly.
-Steve
PS: If you’re looking for a thought-provoking film about the present and Ichi-Go Ichi-E, I highly recommend Wim Wenders Perfect days.
